A year ago today...

... I spent a small fortune at CVS. Around seven in the morning I gracefully scurried out of the bathroom screaming "Oh my God!" scaring the living daylights out of my poor husband. I shoved the pee stick in his face and asked him "Do you see what I see!?!". And there it was - a little blue plus sign telling us that Aubrey was alive. I went into work with a deer in head lights look as everyone congratulated me (some even said "I told you so"). Still in a BFP (big fat positive) coma I wasn't convinced so on my lunch break I went out and bought three more boxes of pregnancy tests . All which had the same results. July 26th, 2010 was simply one of the greatest days of my life.

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What playing "house" on the playground never taught me

I'm pretty sure my mom could pull out paperwork from when I was in elementary school with the cute stick figure women standing next to a big tree with the v-shaped birds flying in the blue sky and a quaint little square house with four windows and a triangle roof and underneath this masterpiece would state : "When I grow up I want to be a mommy". Ok, maybe a few years I wrote teacher, but close enough, right? And all those years of playing "house" where I demanded to be the mommy, well, we can just classify at that as on the job training.

It is crazy to know that I am living my 3rd grade dream. I am a stay at home mom with two rambunctious dogs and a beautiful baby girl I get to play dress up with. What my eight year old Picasso-vision never drew was a woman with wild hair that had an unidentified crunchy spot, a tank top covered in this same strange sticky liquid, a fidgety baby on her hip with dishes piled in the sink, laundry strewn across the house (dirty or clean, who knows) and two dogs play wrestling making noises the earth hasn't heard since the jurassic period.

My poor husband... Did he know what he got himself into? Heck, the poor guy married me but motherhood has brought on a whole new level of chaos no one was prepared for. The newborn stage is comparable to the movie "Dawn of the Dead" where the world has come to a screeching halt, no one seems to be sleeping, and everyone winds up a zombie. Thank God we're past that. So now one would figure that a mother would get a hang of her new life. And that's when your sneaky little bundle of joy throws a wrench into your fairy tale life. Sleeping through the night? Ha, don't hold your breath. Finally enjoying tummy time? Get ready to have your ear drums blown. You no longer feel like a cow? Prepare to say moo, Daisy. I feel like such a failure when my husband comes home from his 10 hour shift at work to dog food in the front entry way, a coffee table piled high with the weeks mail, the sound of a washing machine going (he doesn't know that it would be the first load of the day) and a half eaten sandwich left on the counter. He doesn't dare ask what I do all day because he knows all too well that I will give him a minute by minute playback of every tear shed (both hers and mine), every blow out diaper, failed nap time and cute little giggle. I am so lucky to have such a supportive, understanding man. I am so lucky he gets me.

So what do I do all day? I stare in amazement at this crazy little screeching baby with messy hair and drool that puts my dogs to shame. I can't believe I made her, that she was inside me and that she's mine (ok, Mike's too). Just a little over a year ago we conceived Aubrey and almost a year ago today we found out about her. It's crazy how two pink lines can turn into a something so amazing. I held onto my elementary dream and am so happy I did.
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Puppy love

Aubrey has a new BFF - move over paci, here comes Bella!

Aubrey has given the loudest, longest, silliest laughs at Bella when she does her prancing growling act. Her infatuation with Bella started a little over a week ago and Bella has always been timidly interested in her until today. They are the best of pals!

While Aubrey was screaming at a toy she was trying to shove in her mouth Bella was very concerned and stood over Aubrey watching her and sniffing her. When Aubrey began to fuss Bella would give her toes a little lick. Every move Aubrey made Bella would get closer and closer to get a good investigative sniff. There were quite a few times Bella would be smacked or kicked but she still keep a watchful eye over the new member of our pack.

I have updated a video to our YouTube account (search Aubreysmommy2011) of Bella and Aubrey and I will attempt to upload some pictures on here (and maybe a video?).


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Update on Aubrey :)

Aubrey is now at the ripe old age of 15 weeks. It blows me away to think of how much she has grown!

Aubrey has finally started rolling over (on purpose!) from tummy to back mostly at my moms house, she reaches for toys and manipulates them (mostly bring them to her mouth to gnaw on them without mercy). The big orange paci is a thing of the past but she will suck on anything and everything else she can pull towards her mouth. Her new best friend is Bella, my skinny black Whippet/labrador rescue. She smiles and squeals when Bella walks by or licks her toes and she laughs to no end when Bella prances around and does her dinosaur growls. It melts my heart!

Besides Bella, she loves to act like a big girl. She enjoys holding her body up in her exersaucer and even sits up VERY well for a 3 month old in her Boppy. Aubrey has found her voice - her loud, outside voice. She is constantly singing or chatting to me, the dogs, the tv, her toys, in the bath, in the car... Well, you get the picture. I love hearing her sweet voice! She tries to mimic us all the time - her favorite noises are gurgles ("geeee"), "hi" (or that's what is sounds like at least) and shouting as loud as she can.

I attempted to attach a few pictures - apologies if they didn't work. We have a YouTube account so feel free to get your fill of cuteness here: http://m.youtube.com/profile?gl=US&hl=en&client=mv-google&user=AubreysMommy2011


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There's holes in the floor of heaven...

It's days and nights like today that make me wonder how different my life would be with the two babies I was blessed with instead of just my one.

Poor Aubrey was having a no good, very bad day. I keep on wanting to blame it on a growth spurt but I remind myself that she is a little human being, she will have her good days and bad days just like anyone else. One sad, fussy baby is hard enough so I really couldn't imagine having two and somehow surviving.

But I watch Aubrey grow so much right before my eyes. Just yesterday she started reaching for and successfully grabbing at things and she has started to rock on her belly in attempts to roll over. Her hair has gotten longer with a few waves, her eye lashes are darker and longer, her legs get chunkier and her smile gets sweeter. I constantly find myself wondering what her twin would look like. In my heart I feel that her twin would have been a sweet brother. Would he have the dark locks and sweet blue eyes like Aubrey, or maybe he'd be a blondie with big brown eyes like his cousins. I slightly smile with the thought of seeing two miracle babies laying on the blanket trying to roll over before the sadness creeps in.

I love being a stay at home mom and being able to spend every waking moment (no lie) with my gorgeous baby. I couldn't imagine trying to divide my time and attention between two 3 month old babies and still finding time for me and time for my husband. But then I feel guilty for being happy to only have one - I would do ANYTHING to have my baby B here with us alive and well. Of course I know how blessed I am to have the one amazing daughter I do have but I cannot help but miss and think of "what if's" about my baby in heaven.

Seeing women in the mall, online, in magazines etc with their twins hurts my heart. I still cannot understand why. Why me? Why my baby? I keep saying that I understand that God took my baby back because s/he was too sick to stay. I would never wish for a baby to have a life of pain and struggles. But why would God make my baby that sick? Why would He give me something so amazing and then take it back? I hate questioning Him and feeling this way but any mother of a baby lost I'm sure can relate...

So tonight I give my sweet girl extra cuddles and love in hopes for a better tomorrow for both her and I. I shed a tear and send a prayer to my baby B in hope that s/he is looking down on his/her sister and I and know how much we both love, wanted and miss him/her.
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Justice for Caylee

Maybe it's because now I am a mother to my own gorgeous bay girl or maybe it's because I am a mother to an angel baby in heaven or perhaps (and most probable) both... I have been so emotionally invested in the Casey Anthony trial since opening statements. My heart was shattered to hear the "not guilty" verdict.

Watching Casey listening to all the witnesses on the stand always aggravated me. She always sat there stone faced with her cold heart watching people say how cute her daughter was as pictures of Caylee danced across the computer screens, or how animals gnawed at her murdered daughters bones but as soon as they would talk about her made-up molestation she would wipe her fake tears. That was proof enough that she was as guilty as it gets (and sick in the head).

I could go on and on but I really don't want to remember all the sickening facts that make Casey Anthony the monster we all know and hate. In my heart I know she did it and it kills me that soon that child murderer will be free. Justice might not have been served on July 5th, 2011 at 2:15pm but in no way, shape or form is her verdict of "not guilty" claiming her innocents.

I have signed the petition to make it a criminal offense to not report a child missing ("Caylee's Law" ♥
http://www.change.org/petitions/create-caylees-law) and I suggest you, your friends, your family, your coworkers, your neighbors, etc do the same. We need to bring some form of justice to this sweet baby's soul.
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Please vote for Aubrey in the Gerber photo contest!

Among the many prizes Aubrey could receive for being so stinking cute the top prize is a college scholarship. Please vote for her by going to this link : http://apps.facebook.com/gerberphotosearch/entry/141534/Aubrey.aspx?source=10088947
And make sure to share this link with friends, family and coworkers!! Thank you!!! :)

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