There's holes in the floor of heaven...

It's days and nights like today that make me wonder how different my life would be with the two babies I was blessed with instead of just my one.

Poor Aubrey was having a no good, very bad day. I keep on wanting to blame it on a growth spurt but I remind myself that she is a little human being, she will have her good days and bad days just like anyone else. One sad, fussy baby is hard enough so I really couldn't imagine having two and somehow surviving.

But I watch Aubrey grow so much right before my eyes. Just yesterday she started reaching for and successfully grabbing at things and she has started to rock on her belly in attempts to roll over. Her hair has gotten longer with a few waves, her eye lashes are darker and longer, her legs get chunkier and her smile gets sweeter. I constantly find myself wondering what her twin would look like. In my heart I feel that her twin would have been a sweet brother. Would he have the dark locks and sweet blue eyes like Aubrey, or maybe he'd be a blondie with big brown eyes like his cousins. I slightly smile with the thought of seeing two miracle babies laying on the blanket trying to roll over before the sadness creeps in.

I love being a stay at home mom and being able to spend every waking moment (no lie) with my gorgeous baby. I couldn't imagine trying to divide my time and attention between two 3 month old babies and still finding time for me and time for my husband. But then I feel guilty for being happy to only have one - I would do ANYTHING to have my baby B here with us alive and well. Of course I know how blessed I am to have the one amazing daughter I do have but I cannot help but miss and think of "what if's" about my baby in heaven.

Seeing women in the mall, online, in magazines etc with their twins hurts my heart. I still cannot understand why. Why me? Why my baby? I keep saying that I understand that God took my baby back because s/he was too sick to stay. I would never wish for a baby to have a life of pain and struggles. But why would God make my baby that sick? Why would He give me something so amazing and then take it back? I hate questioning Him and feeling this way but any mother of a baby lost I'm sure can relate...

So tonight I give my sweet girl extra cuddles and love in hopes for a better tomorrow for both her and I. I shed a tear and send a prayer to my baby B in hope that s/he is looking down on his/her sister and I and know how much we both love, wanted and miss him/her.
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