Anniversary of our first ultrasound

I remember not sleeping very well the night before. I just laid there, excited and scared all wrapped in one. I kept wondering if there was even going to be a baby in there. I guess I was still in shock that I was pregnant so I was doubting it.

We woke up with a little pip in out step. Mike was watching the news but I could tell he was just as excited as I was. My hands were shaking as I buttoned my pants. I was doing my hair and I ran out to Mike saying "What if there isn't a baby?". He looked at me like I was nuts (rightfully so) and he reassured me that either way, we'd be fine. I started applying my makeup and I scurried out again. "What if it IS twins?" I asked. "Cool" he said in his I-think-your-over-reacting voice.
A parent of twins at my day care had ESP or something. Before I announced my pregnancy to anyone other than my husband and a few coworkers she asked me if I was expecting. With my mouth wide open I confirmed I was. She then told me she just KNEW I was having twins. After she left I rolled my eyes. There was no way I thought I was carrying two little peanuts.

I filled out all the forms at my new OB/GYN's office. No, I didn't smoke.. Yes, I wear a seat belt... Then they called my name. I have never been so anxious and nervous in my life. As I laid on that awkward OB table I was sweating and my heart was racing. In walks a beautiful, petite Midwife named Wanda. She was so friendly and she asked me some basic questions and gave me some standard answers. I asked her how many ultrasounds a woman gets throughout her pregnancy and she said only 3. That was a let down. She started looking around and found a sack with a tiny little baby inside. Relieved I looked at Mike and we began joking about twins. The midwife cleared her throat and said "Well... Honey, you ARE having twins".

My head spun around so fast to look her in the eye. She looked nervous, as if she just delivered me some bad news. I instantly started crying. I laid back down and I kept saying "Oh my God". She waved her magic ultrasound wand and there they were. Two sacks with two babies. She said one was measuring behind by a few days but she reassured me that was normal with twins and a few days was nothing to worry about. Instant panic for the baby I knew I was carrying for a whole 2 minutes sunk in. To ease my mind she asked if I wanted to hear their heartbeats. First was baby A (Aubrey) whose beats were in the 160's. Second was baby B who was in the 150's. Then, she played them both together. It was a glorious sound. I was balling.

I miss that moment. I miss crying those tears of joy instead of sadness. I wish I could go back to that moment so I could see my healthy baby again and tell him or her how MUCH I love them. I miss that baby with all my heart. The pain of loosing a child, one you haven't even met, is a deep wound that feels like it never heals. Today, that wound has reopened. I just have to hug my Aubrey tight and thank God I still have her (the poor thing is looking up at me so confused as I hold her and cry). But I cannot express the feelings I have in my heart right now. I just wish I could have my other baby here with me today.
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